Dollmilk: Comics by jeffrey rowland
Aaahh!!! Real Aliens!
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Sheila the Horse and Dug the groundhog are out for a walk on Halloween Eve. Sheila is dressed as Harley Quinn and Dug is dressed as Winnie the Pooh. SHEILA: I'm so excited to be going out trick or treating, Dug! It's my first time! DUG: Whoa what the heck is that? A spacecraft, curiously similar to E.T.'s spacecraft, is landing DUG: Oh Holy crap it's a UFO! Sheila: No it's not, Dug. that's a spaceship. I know what a spaceship looks like! DUG: It's landing!! Two aliens emerge. One a hot dog wearing a backwards baseball cap (THE HOT DOG KID), the other a creature that appears to be a two-fingered hand with legs with a giant tongue in between the fingers, two eyeballs on the figertips, and two baseball caps on the top of each finger-head (MIKE). Its eyes are bloodshot. THE HOT DOG KID: WOOP WOOP! MIKE: Hi


Sheila, Dug, The Hot Dog Kid, and Mike stand outside the spacecraft. SHEILA: Ahh! Real aliens! DUG: What do you want from us, weird aliens? SHEILA: Do you want us to take you to our leader? 'Cuz we, uh, don't have one right now. DUG: Where are you from? What are you? THE HOT DOG KID: That's a long story but I'm Goochie, AKA the Hot Dog Kid! And this is Versachie, but you can call him Mike. MIKE: I'm the universally understood gesture for sarcastic cunnilingus. DUG: Whoa!!


The Hot Dog Kid is climbing a tree, maybe for the first time. Dug speaks to Weird MIKE DUG: First things first Mike -- we gotta get you some pants! SHEILA: Yeah what are you about a 40


> Sheila holding Dug, on a pay phone. Dug is talking to Observation Duck DUG: Hey Observation Duck, it's Dug. What are you doing right now? > Observation Duck holding a mop OBSERVATION DUCK: I'm cleaning the bathrooms at the Comedy Club what's it look like I'm doing? DUG: (through phone) I can't see you OBSERVATION DUCK: Anyway what's up? DUG: We met these really cool guys, Dirty Mike and The Hot Dog Kid. They wanna hang out but Mike doesn't have pants, sooo... OBSERVATION DUCK: What do I look like, the guy that runs pants store? DUG: I still can't see you


> Observation Duck, Sheila and Dug in a meeting DUG: Observation Duck, you're in showbiz, right? You know that guy Sponge Bob? OBSERVATION DUCK: What like, personally? DUG: Yeah, all you Hollywood types know each other right? OBSERVATION DUCK: We do, yes, but Spongebob is a cartoon. He's not real. DUG: Look, anyway, we need to know where this Sponge Bob guy gets his pants. OBSERVATION DUCK: I don't know where to get MYSELF pants!! DUG: What do you think he's about a 50 inch waist, 2 inch inseam? OBSERVATION DUCK, pointing to his butt: Plus I got THIS whole thing goin' on!


> Observation Duck, Sheila and Dug standing outside OBSERVATION DUCK: All right. Take me to these aliens so I can get some measurements. DUG: Say please. OBSERVATION DUCK: Please. SHEILA: Ooh we should get bikes! They had bikes in E.T.! DUG: How you gonna ride a bike while sitting on a chair, huh? SHEILA: I'll figure it out!! DUG: We can't get bikes right now anyway! It's night time and we don't have any money! > Observation Duck on his phone, some rental e-bikes in the background OBSERVATION DUCK: Guys, I just signed up for this app and got a free bike.


> Sheila, Dug, and Observation Duck riding a rattling rental e-bike. Shelia is on the seat with her chair straddling the bike's tube. Dug in front of the chair, steering. Observation Duck in the basket. DUG: THIS BIKE SUCKS! OBSERVATION DUCK: It's kind of impressive how terrible this bike is. SHEILA: You don't even need to be riding on this bike, Observation Duck! You can fly. OBSERVATION DUCK, flying away: Oh, right! OBSERVATION DUCK, flying next to the bike: So, how much farther to this shed? DUG: Oh we passed it a ways ago! We're just driving around OBSERVATION DUCK: We gotta get to that shed! Open mic night at the comedy club starts in 30 minutes!


>The Shed. Night. Dug, Sheila, OD looking in the shed. Hot Dog Kid? Mike? You guys still here? >Inside the shed. HOT DOG KID: Yo this shed is dope! Thanks for letting us kick it in this dope shed! MIKE: Agreed. OD: So you're Mike, huh? I'm Observation Duck. I'm here to make you some pants so you don't get arrested! MIKE: Observation Duck... are you an Observer? OD: You know it! Just observin' minutiae in life. You know, those little things that make you go HMM.. MIKE: It is a great honor to meet an Observer. And I do!


>Outside the shed, night, HDK and Dug next to the bike. HOT DOG KID: Hey man that's a sweet bike. Can I check it out? DUG: Yeah I guess. >OBSERVATION DUCK and Sheila talking, Mike in the background. OBSERVATION DUCK: Well I got the measurements but I can't make the pants right now. SHEILA: Why not? OD: I forgot to bring fabric, thread, pockets, scissors, duct tape, buttons, and glue. And how to do it. Oh wait, we can just use this old towel. >Mike is not wearing a dirty towel that covers his 'mouth' MIKE: I am reminded of being in an exotic location, yet it is unpleasant to breathe. OD: That'll actually help with all the smoke at the comedy club. Let's go!


>Dug, Sheila, OD, Hot Dog Kid and Mike standing by the bike. OBSERVATION DUCK: Aah! We've only got 10 minutes to get to the comedy club! DUG: Let's put our heads together! DUG: Get out of the basket, Observation Duck! You can fly! OD: But I'm tired! And now that Mike guy is staring at me. I'll move. Mike: I will ride in the basket and provide visual feedback. HOT DOG KID: Yo Horse lady! Can I ride on your back? SHEILA: Absolutely not! No way José! HDK: It's cool, lady! There's more than one reason I wear these big, big pants. There are two!


>Hot Dog Kid's big pants have straps attached to the back of bike. Observation Duck hovers, Sheila rides on the bike's seat holding her chair, Dug steers, Mike is in the basket. HDK: Woop! OK, when I count to three, go real fast! MIKE: Be very careful, my friend! HDK (off panel): Three! SHEILA: Gun it, Dug! DUG: Here we go! >HDK's pants billow out sort of like a parasail. HDK is flying. HDK: Aw yeah this is sick! Yo look, there's a sweet jump! Hit it! >The gang, in this strange configuration, is silhouetted in front of a full moon, much like that famous scene in E.T.


>Outside the Comedy Club, some weirdos in line. Couple of humans, a possum, a rabbit. All bipedal and smoking cigarettes. OBSERVATION DUCK: Welcome to Open Mic Nite everyone! Sorry I'm late! WEIRDO #1: Ayyy let us in, Duck! We're ready to blow off some steam! OD: OK give me just a few minutes to set up! WEIRDO #2: Hurry up, Duck! We all had a bad day and need to take it out on something! >Meanwhile, outside the Comedy Club on the street, Hot Dog Kid and Mike are still on the bike. Dug stands next to them. HOT DOG KID: Yo what are you gonna do with this bike? Can we throw it in the river? DUG: What? No, you can't do that! HDK: Aw man what a ripoff! We traveled millions of miles across space and time for THIS? MIKE (muffled): It is very important for us to throw the bike into the river. DUG: FINE, do that!


>Hot Dog Kid, Mike, and Dug carrying the rented e-bike down the road, and not riding it for some reason. HDK: Yo, there's a bridge! We gotta throw this thing into the river! MIKE: Throwing an e-bike into a river is one of our primary objectives. DUG: What? >Tossing the bike over the bridge DUG: Whoa whoa you need to wipe off our fingerprints! HDK: We don't have fingerprints! And even if we did we ain't from here! MIKE: I do not have fingers. >The e-bike falls into the river HDK: There it goes! It sure is falling into the river. MIKE: That is indeed something that is happening. HDK: Why do I feel kinda bummed out? Like, was that even worth it? MIKE: I feel nothing. DUG: That was incredible.


>Hot Dog Kid, Mike and Dug walking down the street. HDK: Where are we going now? MIKE: Off to another disappointing task? DUG: We're going to the Comedy Club. So, yes. SHEILA: Hi Dug. You're back! Where's the bike? DUG: We threw it in the river. Why aren't you inside the Comedy Club? SHEILA: See for yourself! >Dug, inside the Comedy Club which is full of smoke and weirdos. Observation Duck adjusts the mic. DUG: What the heck? I can't even see anything in here I don't want to look at anyway! >Dug, standing next to a weird bird in a purple hat smoking a cigarette. DUG: Why's everybody smoking cigs in here? WEIRDO BIRD: Why aren't YOU, huh? You a NARC? DUG: I been in here one minute and I already gotta do laundry!






The Hollow Earth Animal Friend Players:

Iverly: A region of the Hollow Earth populated only by semi-intelligent animals. Its main entrance is what is known on Earth's surface as "Mel's Hole". Current status: Abandoned.

Iverly Escapees:
Dug. Former Mayor of Iverly, Dug is a bossy little groundhog. Not super smart.
Sheila. Dug's best friend/life partner/or something. Sheila is a horse who insists on constantly sitting on a chair as a form of protest against the way horses are treated. Also not super smart.
Observation Duck. The most well-adjusted of the group. A struggling stand-up comic, Observation Duck ran Iverly's only comedy club and now runs on in a strip mall on Earth. He has a cell phone and can fly and even go underwater when necessary. Smarter than the other two but that's not saying much. Bad at jokes.

Other Characters:
The Hot Dog Kid: A alien from the Hot Dog region of space. Into nu metal and climbing around on things.
Mike: A space alien who is the physical manifestation of the universally recognized gesture for sarcastic cunnilingus. Mike may be some sort of god.

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© 2025 Jeffrey Rowland TopatoCo